


Out of Touch

by DrowningInTheRainbow



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alzheimer's Disease (mentioned), Anal Sex, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Happy Ending, M/M, Memory Loss, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 15:56:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10250792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrowningInTheRainbow/pseuds/DrowningInTheRainbow
Summary: After saving the world — the damn universe! — Shepard loses the one thing he never thought to protect: his mind. Cast out ofter the explosion, the Normandy crew finds Shepard stumbling through the Mars Archives. They were so grateful to find him, until he spoke.Kaidan doesn't know if fixing Shepard's mind will be easy, he doesn't know if he even wants to try...





	1. Out of Touch

**Author's Note:**

> This is essentially the memory loss trope in which Character 1 (Shepard) loses his memories and falls in love with Character 2 (Kaidan), his past love, all over again. I’m a sucker for those kinds of stories and therefore couldn’t resist for this fandom when I saw the opportunity!
> 
> ...At least that was the intention when I started this story a few months ago. It was quite the journey but considering this is the longest story I've ever written (or at least finished!!!) I'm at least a little proud of the result.
> 
> As always, please enjoy!

Chapter One: Out of Touch

Nearly a year had passed since the Reapers were destroyed. Many lives were lost but the universe seemed to be coming together. With the Relays destroyed and millions of ships stranded in the Sol system, the many races of the galaxy had to come together to repair the Sol relay and hope to make their way home. The Normandy, the only ship capable of making an intersystem journey, remained unaccounted for.

The crew of the Normandy had had a rough time of not only repairing the ship, but garnering their bearings. EDI had not come back online after the explosion, and in turn Joker had little want to get back to the Sol system. Similarly, Acting-Commander Kaidan was devastated at the presumed loss of Shepard. The reports they had received, crackled and ciphered as they were, talked of the Citadel’s losses and the task of managing all of the stranded ships within the Sol system.

Some of the crew branched out of the Normandy’s initial “landing zone” but the planet they landed on was hardly fit for long-term civilization. Liara and Samantha made excursions to find any civilizations or means to make one, but found little of note. The fruit was only edible to the wildlife, which was toxic to consumption due to the planet’s natural poisons. It was all very unnerving. Luckily, there was enough food in the storage facilities to last them for quite some time, Steve had noted.

Garrus and Tali were hard at work fixing the Normandy one day, about a month into their stranding, when Joker’s shouts came over the comms. “She’s awake!” was the only intelligible thing he said. Rushing to the cockpit, the only place to reasonably find Joker, the team (“Shepard’s team” some were still calling them) gathered to find not only the Normandy coming to life, but the previously-still body of EDI. “Jok—er?” between static, the voice of EDI that they all knew came from the ship around them, while EDI’s body’s lips moved along.

Joker, nearly in tears, could only nod his head. “It’s me, EDI,” he said softly, “how’re you doing?”

EDI was silent for some time, though the whirring of the systems indicated she was still there. “I am… finding it difficult to access my platform. Additionally, I am attempting to contact various sources, but cannot connect. Jeff, what happened?” EDI sounded beaten, but there was little anyone could do. No one could have known the destruction of the Reapers could destroy all synthetic life. It was a wonder EDI was alive at all.

“He did it, EDI. He destroyed them, Shepard destroyed the Reapers. We saw it before… Before we crashed.” Joker was somber, wondering if EDI would realize Shepard had nearly killed her too.

EDI was again silent. It seemed as though it was taking a great effort for her to communicate, despite her comm link appearing to be fully functional. “I am glad.” Her body returned to its lifeless state though the ship remained functional. “I have ceased attempts to access the mobile platform. I am going to put the ship’s operations into a power saving module. I will not be able to communicate until the ship is fully operational. Garrus, considering your time working on the weapons systems, please find any useful machinery that could be reassessed for the engine systems core. Tali, I apologize if this is a difficult task to ask of you, but please access my AI core and attend to any damage.” The two nodded.

Joker went to interrupt but EDI then continued, “Samantha, please assist Steve in establishing a communication link. According to my calculations, we are on Ida in the Pax system. Assuming communication is limited to the Sol system, consider contacting the Neptune Station.”

Finally, EDI addressed Joker, “Jeff, please…” She paused. “Please retrieve Kaidan from Shepard’s quarters. It would be best if you speak with him.” The gathered team realized in their elation for EDI being functional, they had ignored Kaidan’s absence. Joker intended to argue, but EDI said her final words, “If we are to return home… If we are to return to the Sol system, and to look for Shepard,” she paused, dreading the words she must say, “or his corpse,” many on the team gasped, as though they had not drawn the same conclusions long before, “then this ship and this team, must be functional again. I miss you all already. And I love you, Jeff. Goodbye.”

The sound of EDI’s silence was heartbreaking, but as the crew dispersed they all attempted to comfort Joker in his crying. However, he jumped up suddenly and hobbled with determination to the elevator, punching the button for Shepard’s quarters. It was a miracle the elevator worked.

Arriving on the top deck, Joker bashed on the stupid door between Shepard’s quarters and the elevator. “Kaidan, stop fucking crying. Let me in.” Ignoring the nagging feeling of wanting to comfort his long-time friend, Joker kept his face stoic. Eventually, Kaidan opened the door. The man was distraught, this much was obvious the second the door was open. However, even worse, Kaidan seemed to be losing it. He wore Shepard’s favorite leather jacket, as stupid as the thing was; from the mess of the place, Kaidan had been trifling through everything Shepard owned; the fish were alive because for some stupid reason that Fish Tank VI never died.

Joker turned his attention back to Kaidan, who was clearly about to cry again. This time, his sobs were to be accompanied by words: “He loved me so much… For so long…” Kaidan cried out. Kaidan grabbed a data pad and shoved it into Joker’s chest before curling back up on the bed.

21-11-2183

Kaidan is having another migraine. He says it doesn’t affect his work but I know better. At least I think I do. Maker, I spend so much time watching him it’s a wonder I haven’t been killed yet. Maybe it’s because I know he doesn’t share my feelings is the only reason I haven’t. I wonder if his migraines hurt as much as my unrequited — oh Maker I sound like a schoolgirl. And that’s just unfair, I know nothing about how his migraines feel.

Joker chuckled softly. Kaidan held out another data pad for Joker to take.

22-03-2185  
(Audio log between the technically deceased Commander John Shepard and the information broker Dr. Liara T’Soni)

Shepard: I understand his reaction but it doesn’t hurt any less.  
Liara: I thought you had dealt with these feelings?  
S: I thought I had! Obviously seeing him brought it all back…  
L: …Shepard.  
S: Okay fine! I never tried to stop—  
L: Loving him?  
S: Loving him. Loving Kaidan. Maker, what’s wrong with me?  
L: Nothing is wrong with you. Shepard… Listen to me. You never asked him how he felt. You never confronted him about your feelings. You don’t know how he feels and therefore you can’t know just how betrayed he must feel from seeing you with Cerberus.  
S: But Liara—  
L: No, Shepard. I know you can’t talk to him, not now, but that’s all the more reason to when a time comes. For now, I hate to be the one to ask this of you, but for now, you need to set these feelings aside. You need to be the cold-blooded Shepard of the battlefield. So Kaidan hurt your feelings? Well break some fucking skulls in his place.  
S: …Maybe you should stick to science and I’ll stick to speeches?  
L: You got my message. But good point.

Joker had a bit of a smile on his face, but then realized how much Kaidan must be hurting knowing all that he missed. Kaidan was still on his and Shepard’s bed, but as Joker sat on the end, Kaidan uncurled just enough to hand Joker a final data pad, one he had kept curled to his chest.

04-07-2186

Kaidan,

Maker, you have no idea how hard this is to write. Well, maybe you do if you have written one too, but I hope to high heavens you haven’t. In effect, this is my will. But more than that, this is a love note. One I never got to send. If you’re reading this, I assume I’m dead and you have found all of the other messages I’ve kept throughout the years. I hope you share the audio file with Liara, she might enjoy hearing it again.

I guess my reason for writing this, particularly now, is because I finally got what I wanted. I hope that doesn’t sound as sadistic as it did when I wrote it, but I think you would know what I mean if you’ve read all of these. I love you Kaidan. I have loved you for so long, I’ve tried to stop loving you, I’ve tried to forget you, I’ve tried to let you go, I’ve tried to be happy for you, I’ve tried to hate you. But it never works, because I love you. Throughout all of my damned life there was never a ray of hope such as you. Our first mission on Eden Prime together was a hell of a start but I wouldn’t have traded you for anyone. Maker, I don’t know how I would have gotten through all of this if it wasn’t for you. We made so many friends, but we lost so many too.

I know you’ll never forgive me for letting Ashley die in your place, but I’ll never forgive myself. Because if you haven’t guessed it by now, it was a selfish reason she died. It was backed up by logic and strength too, but it was mostly selfish. I loved you, even back then. It was an inkling of love, probably little more than like a teenage crush. In the back of my mind I knew that you were more able to finalize the destruction of Saren’s facility than she was. But in that moment it was a quick decision: I needed you to live. And I hate myself every day for it. But in the end, Ash is just one of many deaths weighing on my conscious; more now, than back then.

I haven’t looked in the mirror in an age because I know my demons will be looking back. But when you told me that you loved me, I had a moment of clarity; of peace. They were the words I had been waiting a lifetime (or so it has felt) to hear. I didn’t know if I was finally losing my mind, but I took a deep breath and I said I wanted it too, because Maker how could I say no? Well, maybe I am more selfish than anyone could realize. “Savior of the galaxy” my ass.

I know I said this was my will, but the sad truth of it is, I don’t have much to offer you except my love. The apartment is yours, of course, and if I could give you the Normandy I’d give you that too. But the only thing I hope you want is the only thing I could give you before I die. You sent me a message last night asking to come up to my quarters. I think I’ll tuck this away before I reply ‘yes’.

And Kaidan, I love you.

Commander John Shepard


	2. Alive

When the Citadel exploded, all of the emergency systems in place went haywire. The Citadel was supposed to be the most stable location in the galaxy and it just fell apart. Suddenly, the fleet that had been warring against the suddenly-dead Reapers was now focused on stabilizing the Citadel and saving survivors. For most of the branches, the false gravity and scenery stayed intact and the citizens had little clue what was going on beyond their slice of life.

But what to do with the survivors — not to mention the fleets — now abandoned in the Sol system? Half their planets were gaseous, and only three stations existed within the system. Were they to become like the Migrant Fleet, thousands of ships endlessly roaming the skies until they could return to their home planet? Fortunately, some races were more inclined to inhabit planets the humans could not. Though pre-war tensions quickly rose again, the Turians and the Krogan agreed to inhabit Mars. The asari integrated into human culture. The quarians agreed to oversee a Migrant Fleet, and stragglers of the other races integrated rather seamlessly.

It was only a matter of time before a disturbance rose.

“TK-90 what’s your status in the Archives?” a krogan commander radio’d.

TK-90 was a primarily turian squadron. It’s commander replied, “This is TK-90. We’re 50 meters in and no sound reported.” The turian firmly believed this was a waste of time, even more so because he had a wife and kid back on his own planet. He missed his planet. Then a sound rattled the overhead vent systems and he forgot his bearings for a moment. “Sound reported. Something in the vent system. Sending a soldier in to investigate.” The officer motioned to the skinniest turian and the man climbed into the nearest open vent. The commotion further ahead stilled.

Suddenly, a rage-filled cry screamed from the vents, immediately followed by the turian being thrown out of the vents by biotic-flaring light. The squadron raised their guns at the offender, but nearly all dropped them immediately afterwards.

Biotics flaring, eyes scanning the turians for another contender. Face plastered all over the Sol system. There was no mistaking this man.

Commander Shepard lives.

* * *

“There’s nothing I can say, you know that,” Joker whined, “But you have to have hope. I can’t believe I’m stooping to this level of cheese, but your love is stronger than the Reapers! He’s already died and came back once and he still loved you. I don’t care how much it hurts, damn it, you are getting out there and you are going to help me fix this ship. We are going to find your stupid boyfriend and then he’s going to become your stupid husband or so help me I will not move from this bed!” Kaidan chuckled and Joker took this as enough. “But seriously, I don’t think I can get up from this spot…”

Kaidan stood and helped his friend up, pulling him into a momentary hug. “Thank you, Joker.”

Joker smiled a bit sadly. “Liara and Javik are working outside with their biotics. Something about working out the kinks in the ship. Maybe it’ll help you take your mind off of things.” Kaidan nodded.

For the next month the crew slaved away getting the Normandy into working order. Their break finally came not through EDI this time, but Cortez and Traynor: “We’ve contacted the Sol system!” It was a weak connection and not a human broadcast, but this was cleared up when Tali listened in:

“That’s quarian! The Migrant Fleet! Wait… Not the Migrant Fleet… The ships from the war have amassed a Migrant Fleet of their own… We can contact them in order to receive passage! Guys, this is it! This is our ticket back!”

The crew was ecstatic, all except Joker. EDI remained offline, though Joker understood why. It would be difficult enough to achieve a jump without the Relays, with the Normandy in her current condition; it would only be worse trying to do this without all energy being poured into the FTL drives. Garrus patted Joker’s shoulder, but it was Tali who stayed in the cockpit trying to help him maintain control for the jump.

They all breathed a sigh of relief when they made it through.


	3. Barbaric

“This is the SSV Normandy requesting permission to land.”

“Negative, Normandy. You need to head to the Mars Archives. You’ll want to be there.”

Everyone was confused, Joker especially irate, but nevertheless continued towards Mars. As they approached, Tali hacked into the comms, citing “if Shepard taught me anything it’s not to go in blind” which most smiled to. Kaidan found it difficult to smile most days, but Liara reached out a hand to his shoulder and he smiled back at her.

_“Commander Shepard lives.”_

_“I— I swear to you, this guy is the spitting image of that Commander Shepard guy.”_

_“He’s fucking barbaric is what he is.”_

_“He’s confused! Give him space!”_

_“He fucking attacked me! With biotics!”_

The crew looked stunned at Tali’s omni-tool. Not that she could or would tamper with the audio, but most couldn’t believe what they were hearing. Suddenly, Kaidan broke from Liara’s touch and took off towards the elevator. Cortez called back to him, “Where are you going?”

“To find him.” Was all the Major said. Liara raced after him, grabbing Steve to shuttle them. The others ached to follow as well, but they remained near Tali. The comm continued with various voices, though they were curiously all turian.

“Remember coming here the last time?” Liara asked.

Kaidan smiled, then winced. “How could I forget?” He took a somber expression, but again, Liara touched his shoulder. The asari focused a lot on touch, and Liara was always amused how humans shied away from something so comforting.

Liara decided to bring up a bit of a sore subject while Cortez brought them closer to the facility. “I know this may not be the best time to ask, but when did you realize you fell in love with him?”

Kaidan, having shared Shepard’s logs with Liara soon after Joker found him, still was not expecting the question. “I guess… If I’m being honest with myself, I fell in love with him a long time ago. Before Ilos, I think. But when did I realize it? Not until he visited me in the hospital…every time he docked. And I checked the logs, even when I was out cold, he was there. He wasn’t afraid to be angry about Horizon. He wasn’t afraid to talk about Ash. I realized I could spend the rest of my life with him angry at me — and I would, too; he was right, I’m pretty damn stubborn — or I could accept what I had been putting off for a long time. Now…” Kaidan cleared his throat and pretended like he wasn’t on the verge of tears, “Now I’m just sorry I spent so much time being foolish.”

Liara couldn’t say much, in reply, nor could she comfort Kaidan easily while they wore their hard-suits. Instead, she rested her head on his shoulder, much like she had done for Shepard before the end. Kaidan sighed softly, murmuring a thank you. Cortez announced their approach, adding a “bring him back for us, Major.”

* * *

A krogan held Shepard's hands behind his back, none of the soldiers having better means of holding. As Kaidan and Liara approached, the krogan joked, “why not bring a salarian to complete the set?" But Liara's glare shut him up quick. Kaidan, on the other hand, was fixated on Shepard. Not only was the Commander alive, but damn it, he was kicking. Only, not in a good way. If Kaidan didn't know him any better, he would swear Shepard was rabid.

"Let him go. Shepard, it's us, your friends." Liara tried.

The krogan outright refused to release the Commander. "Sorry, no can do. This guy attacked one of TK-90 with biotics and hasn't stopped fucking growling since I grabbed him. We're waiting for Citadel transport." The krogan then tapped his omni-tool. A message from the Citadel was waiting. "Something something... Normandy something something." He looked more pissed as he looked up. "That's you, innit?" Liara nodded and the krogan laughed. "Fine, you handle him then." He pushed Shepard at Kaidan and Liara and practically sprinted away. The rest of TK-90 also sheepishly backed away.

Kaidan and Liara were confused for all of a second before they heard the all-out war cry from Shepard as his biotics flared around him, concentrated in his fists. Kaidan, too surprised to act, got the full brunt of Shepard's punch, while Liara had dodged with a barrier. "Kaidan!" Liara shouted. Shepard was laying across Kaidan's lap but this was far from a romantic stance. Shepard's wild eyes and flaring biotics attested to that. "I'm sorry, Shepard," Liara whispered before using Lift. Shepard was pulled into the air off of Kaidan.

"Liara! How could you?" Kaidan asked, evidently ignoring the forming bruise on his face, "It's Shepard. I know it is."

Liara looked more sorry than anything else, though Kaidan could plainly see pity as well. "It might very well be, Kaidan, but I need to be sure. And besides, maybe all he needs is to calm down on the Normandy before he'll be alright..." Kaidan could feel the doubt in Liara's words. He didn't want to feel at all. What good was having Shepard back if it wasn't his Shepard?


	4. Lost

“My name is Commander John Doe Shepard of the SSV Normandy, serving under Captain David Anderson. I was born on the Mindoir colony on the 11th of April, 2154 to Mary and Gerald Shepard, who perished in a batarian raid. I joined with the Alliance military in 2172.”

Liara just couldn’t understand it. By all accounts, all the data and the scans, the man in front of her was definitely Shepard, not even a clone. But there was something off in his reporting, like he didn’t recognize them.

Kaidan was too distraught to join the others in seeing to Shepard, who they placed in the med bay. Some of the others attempted to see him, only to find Shepard either didn’t recognize them, or outright lashed at them with his biotics flaring. Liara would contain Shepard in stasis at these times.

Liara was the only one to remain with Shepard at nearly all times. She had reason to believe the only reason he allowed her to stay near him was because her biotics were stronger. Liara wanted Kaidan to join them, but understood his emotional turmoil.

Finally, feeling stupid for not asking it sooner, Liara asked Shepard a simple question: “Can you tell me what year it is?”

Shepard, looking at the asari with mistrust, replied slowly, “2183, of course.”

Liara quietly replied, “I was hoping you wouldn’t say that…” Shepard luckily didn’t hear her. “Shepard, it’s 2186.” Shepard remained quiet. In fact, he folded his arms and pulled his knees to his chest.

Liara exited the med bay, allowing Shepard time to process, though she also considered Shepard just didn’t believe her and wanted her to leave. She decided to confer to the two people who would have a better stance on Shepard back on 2183: Joker and Kaidan. She decided to go with Joker first, not ready for the emotional rollercoaster that was Kaidan.

Joker was piloting the ship with the intention of returning to the Citadel… Until he realized the Citadel didn’t exist anymore and he needed to head towards Earth. This was a setback. Earth had become the hub for all interplanetary travel, of which they were ill prepared for. This was unfortunate enough until you also considered they were still cleaning up after the war.

Joker preferred to consider all the options he had for helping EDI. He thought about all the nuances in her AI core that Tali and he talked about, and how her mobile platform could be attuned to other settings. When Liara walked in, he was startled out of his musings. “Ahem, yes piloting. Very fine. No autopilot here, no sir… Oh, hi Liara.” Joker relaxed into his seat.

“That’s concerning, but we can talk about that later…”

“…Who put you in charge…” Joker mumbled. Liara chose to ignore it.

“Shepard spoke to me and I think I know what’s happening.”

“Yeah, he’s rabid. Or a clone. We all know how that went down.”

“No, although I will take that in consideration of course. I asked him what year it was, I can’t believe I missed such a simple question, and he said it was 2183. As in just assigned to the Normandy, 2183. I want you and Kaidan to talk to him, find out if he remembers you. This might just be simple amnesia.”

Joker not only went still, but gaped at Liara. “Excuse me, did you say simple amnesia? Unless you asari have figured out how to cure amnesia, this isn’t simple. This is huge. And not in a good way. Not that there is a good — never mind that. Ugh, just, y’know what? Find me when you talk Kaidan down and we’ll try. Just tell him to contain the waterworks, please?”

Liara didn’t reply. She wanted to smack Joker but she knew he was dealing with his own problems. And humor — or anger — were his coping mechanisms. She left Joker to return to his musings.

Liara was ashamed to admit it, but she rather wasn’t looking forward to dealing with Kaidan…

_“I don’t know you people! Let me go!”_

_“Shepard! Shepard, please, it’s me… it’s Kaidan.”_

_“You aren’t Kaidan!”_

_“It’s me, Shepard, please believe me!”_

_Biotics flared and Shepard swung Kaidan away from him, his back hitting the wall. Liara intervened but it was too late. Tears streaming down his face, Kaidan fled, his barrier swirling around him and crew members jumping out of his way. Shepard, frozen in stasis, showed only panic._

Liara was afraid of what she would find. Joker told Liara of the state he found Kaidan in before, but she didn’t know if this would be better or worse.

It was worse.


	5. Found

Liara let out a shuddering breath of horror as she opened the door to Shepard’s — Kaidan’s — cabin. Kaidan was nowhere to be found but the pure emotion was palpable in the room. The bed was not only torn apart but askew as though he had tried to throw it across the room; the fish were finally dead though Liara noticed it was not because the VI stopped working but Kaidan had visibly torn out the VI console; the desk was flipped over and Shepard’s clothes were strewn across it; the couch was intact though the coffee table was smashed in half, Kaidan had taken a pillow and sheet to the couch. Lastly, Liara noticed the door to the bathroom was partially open and she could hear Kaidan’s sobbing from where she stood.

She thought for a moment that she should leave, but she heard Kaidan whispering to himself through his sobs. “Everyone’s done so… so much. To bring you back. To… to lead us, because we’re so l-l-lost without you. I’m so… But it… it hurts when you’re… you’ve suffered so much for what we… want.”

Kaidan’s shuddering breaths urged Liara to open the door to the bathroom a crack further. Kaidan sat on the floor in Shepard’s clothes, holding them to himself. Around him were the data pads he had shown her before. One crisp new data pad, she could see, was recording an audio log. This was the breaking point for her.

Whipping the door the rest of the way open with a bang! she walked over and deleted the message from Kaidan’s data pad. “No” was all she said. She reached down and pulled Kaidan into a standing position before pushing his head into the sink and turning the water on. Kaidan, too shocked from her quick movements couldn’t do much but sputter into the water.

Shutting off the water and pushing Kaidan into sitting on the toilet seat, Liara began, “Shepard is perfectly physically capable and alive down in the sick bay. Chakwas herself gave Shepard a clean bill of health. You want to know what’s wrong with him? Amnesia, Kaidan. He didn’t die this time. He’s just waiting for you to stop fucking blaming yourself and help him find himself again.”

Liara went to leave but then turned around and slapped Kaidan hard. “For your information, Shepard is the most selfish fucking person on this ship. Everything he did? He did for himself, not any one of us. When Cerberus brought him back he did everything he could to get his own team back. When he was grounded, he did everything he could to keep in contact because he needed us.”

She turned to leave a second time before she whirled back around for a third tirade, thankfully not slapping the major this time, “And lastly, you should know by now how much I — and every damned person and machine that has ever been on this ship — support you and Shepard. We love him almost as much as you do and can’t imagine what you’re going through — except maybe Joker — but you are the only one who can bring him back. Remember what Cortez asked? Bring him back for us, Major.”

This time Liara left and the door closed behind her. Kaidan didn’t wait to hear the main door close, and therefore wasn’t surprised to see Liara waiting with her arms crossed. She gestured vaguely at the state of the room but wasn’t expecting a response. Kaidan just shook his head so she shook her own and led the way back to the elevator. While waiting for their way down, Liara comm’d Joker with a simple “on our way down.”

* * *

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Me neither.”

Liara sighed, gesturing the boys to sit down at the mess next to the sick bay. Luckily Shepard was laying down in his cot and couldn’t see them. “What I’m asking for you to do is simple. First of all, ask him what day it is. I don’t expect you to remember every little detail but just talk with him like it’s back in those days. I want you to do most of the talking, Joker, just to get a feel for his emotions. Also, if he brings up…” She stilled for a moment, knowing it was a touchy subject, “I’m sorry to ask this, but if he brings up any of the fallen, just redirect the question, or lie to him. It’s going to hurt either way but we don’t know what is going to shatter his memory right now.”

Chakwas came out of the bay at that moment and joined them. “He’s ready. Liara and I will be with you, in case anything goes wrong. Kaidan, if I could speak with you a moment?” Chakwas knew there were no secrets between the crew members, at least not this sort, but Kaidan had always been touchy about his biotics and it was almost habit for her to ask him about them privately. “I’m sorry to ask this of you, Kaidan, but I need you to refrain from using your biotics at all while you are in there.”

“I don’t understand, Doctor.” Kaidan knew what she was referring to, of course; Shepard may not remember the history between himself and Kaidan, but his biotics might. Kaidan had long been an influence in Shepard’s biotic ability, through training and more personal interactions. It would only be natural for Shepard’s instincts to biotically react to Kaidan’s.

What was confusing him, however, was why he shouldn’t want that to happen. Chakwas had the answer readily available: “Kaidan, we can’t be certain he’ll recognize the experience. If he sees your biotics and his own reaction to them, he might interpret it as sabotage, or perhaps a fight-or-flight type of instinct. We can’t take that risk, not yet.”

Kaidan could feel his biotics flare with emotion and tried to keep his voice neutral, “Not even if it means bringing him back to me?”

Chakwas placed a hand on the troubled young man’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Major. Take comfort knowing he is here with you, even if his mind hasn’t caught up yet.” Kaidan shrugged her hand off his shoulder.

* * *

Shepard laughed, but it wasn’t _his_ laugh. Kaidan realized how horrible he must have sounded, as though there were two of Shepard (okay, there were at one point in time), but that was how it felt. There was this Shepard in front of him, lost in 2183; and his Shepard, who died months ago.

But this Shepard was so real! And so much like _his_ Shepard!

And Kaidan knew that they were physically the same. He read every report and kept up with every evaluation. He even heard the dreaded audio-log in which Liara realized the truth. But it wasn’t enough to convince him.

Joker was doing all the talking. They had established that Shepard remembered up to the point that he touched the Prothean beacon. In fact, that was why he went barbaric, as he couldn’t understand how or why the beacon transported him all the way to the Mars Archives. Compounded with Liara’s revelation, Shepard was starting to believe that the beacon not only threw him across the galaxy but through time as well.

The more Shepard talked, the more crestfallen Kaidan was becoming. Joker was humoring Shepard, drawing plot holes in all of his theories but not letting anything slip on his own. Kaidan had hoped, the romantic in him, that Shepard would take one long look at Kaidan and everything would fall into place.

But nothing was ever easy for them.

“Kaidan Alenko… It’s Major now… isn’t it?” Shepard asked. The suddenness of his question shocked Joker out of whatever he was saying to notice that Shepard wasn’t even paying the slightest bit of attention to him. He was staring purposefully at the bed Kaidan leaned against.

For his part, Kaidan stilled before standing to full height. He felt the urge to salute but repressed it. “Yes, actually,” he said softly in reply, “did you remember?” He tried to keep the hope from his voice, but still felt the crushing blow as Shepard shrugged.

“I don’t think so. Just knew.” Shepard turned back to Joker and said, “What if I’m just an elaborate VI and I died on Eden Prime?” He didn’t appear to hear Kaidan’s shuddering breath or witness his exit, but Shepard did. He didn’t understand why that hurt.

* * *

“You have to go back! He remembered!” Liara shouted. Kaidan was packing a bag. Most of the crew were, now that they had docked on Earth. It wasn’t home for most of them, but it was the closest they were going to get for a long time.

Kaidan stilled for a moment. “It hurts, Liara. But you can’t keep him here anymore than I could. The truth of it is, I don’t think he wants to remember. I think it hurts him almost as much as it hurts me.” He resumed packing. “And I don’t know if that kind of hurting is worth it.”

Liara used the last bit of her artillery, the one thing she was holding for a moment like this. “He asked for you.” Kaidan didn’t pause in his packing. “He wants to talk to you.” Liara couldn’t see, but the Major was breaking down in front of her. “He visited you every day at Huerta, Kaidan. You know that hurt him as much as this is hurting you.”

The emotion broke through Kaidan’s voice in his reply, “He’s so much stronger than I am.”

“One last time? For him, Kaidan?”

* * *

“Hey, there.” Kaidan said softly. He kept his head ducked, afraid to look into those deep blue eyes.

Shepard stood from the bed which he was too often cooped up in. He walked over and looked as though he was going in for a hug but instead saluted, “Major Alenko.”

“How have you—“

“Dr. T’Soni told me you plan on leaving. If I may be so bold, please don’t, sir.” Shepard rushed out, interrupting Kaidan. The Commander was blushing, clearly feeling something other than subordination as he was projecting. But Kaidan didn’t understand.

“Sorry, Commander. I don’t know how much the doctor has told you, but as the second human Spectre I am needed outside the Normandy.”

“Bullshit.” Kaidan was surprised but Shepard didn’t give him time to react, “I know you’re the second human Spectre. They told me that much let alone everything I’ve read on the extranet. And trust me, I’ve read a lot on there. Why didn’t you tell me?” the commander asked, exasperated. He didn’t need to specify what. Kaidan knew exactly what was plastered all over the extranet concerning him and Shepard. Again, Kaidan could see Shepard itched to act, but he still resisted. At Kaidan’s silence, he faltered, “Unless, I mean it could be false, but I was hoping it wasn’t…”

Kaidan raised a hand to stop Shepard’s rambling. There was a spark of hope in Shepard’s eyes but it faded at Kaidan’s firm face. “I won’t lie to you, Shepard. The doctors want you to come to everything on your own — though why you would have access to the extranet then, I don’t know. But I won’t lie to you about… us.” Shepard looked as though he was going to step closer to Kaidan but Kaidan couldn’t handle it. He stepped back and raised a hand to halt Shepard. “Listen. There are so many memories that you just don’t have. I want you to remember, I want to help you remember, but it hurts too much knowing that you don’t. I fell in love with you in 2183, but we can’t just build those memories back up, Shepard. No matter how much we might want to.”

Shepard was quiet so Kaidan continued, dropping his hand. “I love you. And I will continue loving you. But right now it hurts too much to be around you. So I’m going to leave for a while. I’m hoping this time apart will help you remember. And maybe— maybe if not, we can start over again. But I can’t keep sitting around waiting for you to remember our time together.”

Kaidan turned to leave, but also to wipe away his tears. Shepard’s voice cut through, choking back tears of his own. “I want to remember. But I understand.” His voice low but not unheard: “I love you, too.”

That hurt most of all.


	6. Hope is a Dirty Word

It was only a month since Shepard had last seen Kaidan. His appendages were prickling at the thought of the Major coming to see him again. He could still feel that spark of love — of pain — from their departing words.

But now, cooped up in a hospital, again, Shepard received a message that Kaidan would visit while he was docked. Something about Huerta, but Shepard didn’t understand. He didn’t even get a chance to explain to the Major why he was in the hospital to begin with, but Kaidan didn’t seem to care, just asking for the room number.

Kaidan, taking a breather before coming into Shepard’s room, is thinking of his time away. He thought it would be nice to have time to clear his head, but it was horrible. He couldn’t think of anything except Shepard, and every little thing he thought might distract him did the opposite. Even worse, this made him horrible at his job, which luckily was just a routine investigation of the krogan and turians on Mars. The genophage, cured, meant that krogan would be expanding by the thousands soon, and the turians were afraid this would lead to a conflict. Kaidan proposed that more turians joined the effort to rebuild the Relays, which earned him the snarky response “We’re military, not scientists, dip-shit.” Kaidan simply replied that it sounded like the turians wanted a war, which the turian leader quickly backpedaled from. Kaidan left wondering how Shepard could be such a good diplomat, but then considered that he got to shoot a lot of shit to compensate.

Then he received Shepard’s message and shot his quick reply. He wondered later why Shepard was back in the hospital but decided he would figure it out in person.

Opening the door to the room, Kaidan first saw a drell staring out the window. The man was murmuring a prayer and for a split-second Kaidan worried he was too late. But turning the corner, Kaidan exhaled loudly in relief. But it also announced his entrance.

Shepard opened his eyes for a moment while the drell continued. Acknowledging his presence, Shepard nodded at Kaidan before closing his eyes again. The drell stopped his murmuring and Shepard spoke his own. Kaidan came to believe it was a private sermon, and wondered that he had never heard Shepard recite a prayer, from his own memory, no less, as he was doing here. Then he remembered that this was not his Shepard.

When Shepard finished, he touched the drell’s arm in a way that Kaidan jealously thought looked intimate. “Sorry to cut our time together short, Kolyat,” Shepard said to the drell, “But my friend has arrived. I’ll see you off tomorrow, yes?”

Kolyat picked up the bag that had been resting on Shepard’s bed and fished out a paper from it. “It is alright, Shepard. And if you would like, you could bring your friend.” He looked pointedly at Kaidan as he said that. He brought two fingers to his lips then pressed the fingers to Shepard’s own, whispering something. He walked away.

“Please don’t think ill of him, Kaidan. It is a drell custom.” Shepard reached over and grabbed Kaidan’s wrist, unrolling his hand from a fist. Quickly, before Kaidan would pull away, he brought Kaidan’s knuckles to his lips. When Kaidan pulled his hand away, Shepard tried not to think of all the hurt this man could cause him.

“Do you remember him?” Kaidan asked tersely. He had not known Kolyat’s father, but had learned of the drell’s history with Shepard through Garrus.

Shepard sighed, as though expecting the question. “No,” he replied, “Kolyat sought me out. He spoke to me of my past with his father. He never questioned me if I remembered anything, only asking me to pray with him. He’s come by nearly every day, just to speak with me. But he’s being shipped off planet soon.” Shepard looked upset, but quickly shifted gears. “So I suppose you want to know why I’m here? I mean, I know what you’ve been up to, you’re all over the news.” He gestured to the muted television which at that moment had Kaidan’s face up with the caption: Human Spectre resolves Turian-Krogan tensions. If the sound were on, they would realize the report was a less positive one, but neither bothered with it, having had enough media attention for more than one lifetime.

Kaidan finally replied, “I suppose so. There are a million things to say, but we have to start somewhere.”

Shepard nodded, afraid to ask what else they had to talk about. He knew it was enough for him just having Kaidan near him again.

“After you left (me) I was reevaluated by the Alliance. Barring my mental instability, I was a physically capable and technically active Alliance member. Dr. T’Soni insisted that I was not capable for duty, but I wanted to know if being back in a military situation might bring memories back; besides, I was tired of being cooped up and constantly studied. She tried to at least remain with me but that would require Alliance processing which would take too long. Reluctantly, she let me go.

“As a biotic, there was plenty for me to do. We’re stationed all over Earth where the Reapers hit. Vancouver is still the worst so they kept me in the area on a tight leash. They were afraid of media attention but as far as I know, it all stayed pretty quiet except for the people I worked with.

“The hardest part was not over-exerting myself. Where I thought my biotics were and where they actually are are two different stories. I went crazy that first day and I blacked out from all of the power I was using.

“Anyway long story short? I was lifting a pile of rubble and knocked myself over the head and left shoulder with it. I’ll be okay, but they don’t want my help again for a while.” Shepard smiled and it was true enough that Kaidan let out a smile of his own.

The two beamed for a moment before Kaidan added, “That would have been nice, to stay here and help with the rebuilding. To be honest, I thought they would be done by now.”

“No, you know how the council is. There wasn’t enough time to rebuild because all the other races wanted help for their own species. I mean, some of it was done, but a lot of districts are completely destroyed and need to be rebuilt. To be honest, building is not what my biotics are trained for, so I may have thrown a few rocks harder than I should have.” Shepard chuckled.

Then Kaidan asked a rather dreaded question. “I have to get this out of the way. Do you… remember anything?”

Shepard was silent, the smile fading from his face. “No. At least, not really. I get snapshots, like what Rannoch looks like. You in the hospital, but I don’t remember what for. I remember kissing you, but I don’t know how much of that is just a fantasy. A lot of what I remember is from what I hear. Honestly, Liara’s idea of letting me remember on my own was shot the moment we landed. Every other day there’s some story about what “The Shepard” did, and I have no recollection.” Shepard looked into Kaidan’s eyes then. “But, it’s not all bad. I get feelings sometimes. Like when I think of you I get warm and fuzzy feelings that aren’t at all what I felt before, which was a lot of lust and pinning. I know things are different, but it’s just not snapping together.”

Kaidan had been looking intently at Shepard while he spoke. He realized in that moment two things: just how sincere Shepard was, and how he couldn’t imagine living without him. “Listen, Shepard,” Kaidan began, stepping up to the hospital bed, “I can’t say I’m ever going to be okay with you not remembering. It’s going to hurt for a long time, knowing I can’t bring up intimate details from our past.” Shepard looked crestfallen but Kaidan continued, “But I am also realizing that I can’t live without you. I can’t just un-love you, and I don’t want to anyways. It’s going to be difficult; I’m probably going to be difficult. But if you want to, I’m ready to make new memories with you.”

Shepard nodded and brought Kaidan’s hand back to his lips, kissing the knuckles. The arm in a sling was now noticeable to Kaidan, and he wondered why he didn’t notice it before. When Shepard let go of his hand Kaidan brought his knuckles to his lips. A sign of a new start, perhaps.

Then Kaidan remembered something — something daring.

“Shepard… John? Would you care to… to try something?” Kaidan asked. Shepard could sense the hesitation in Kaidan’s voice, but nodded anyways. “Can you flare your biotics?” Shepard did and Kaidan matched him. “This might sting,” he said. With little else for warning, Kaidan clasped their hands together and leaned forward for a kiss.

A loud bang! resounded throughout the room, and both were lifted and slammed against the opposite walls, out cold.


	7. Whole Again

A thousand hopeful glances shared. A terrible decision that wracks the both of them still. So many secrets unearthed. The fateful destruction of the Normandy. Their meeting on Horizon. Their reunion and subsequent departure. The moment they finally revealed their feelings and the wonderful nights they shared before the end.

It all flashed in between them. Every memory Shepard recovered, Kaidan viewed in vivid detail from Shepard’s own perspective. He saw every glance he never noticed. He felt the turmoil Shepard had in choosing him over Ashley. He felt the regret Shepard had when he realized he wouldn’t survive the destruction of the Normandy. He realized what an asshole he came off as at Horizon and felt just how much that pained Shepard. Their moments together before and after they revealed their feelings.

It all culminated in their awakening. Shepard awoke first, watching from where he landed back on his bed as purple-blue biotics whirled in the air between himself and where Kaidan lay on the floor. The Major was also slowly coming round, watching the biotic light show before their eyes met.

“Did you—“

“Yeah,”

“So do you—“

“Yeah,”

“All of it?”

“All of it.”

Kaidan practically flung himself at Shepard and before their lips met both noticed their biotics melding together in a single flare. “I love you,” Kaidan said, “I love you so much.” Tears streamed down both their faces as their lips met a dozen times but then Kaidan pulled back and held Shepard’s head at bay for a moment, “I need you to know. I would have loved you still if your memories never returned. But dammit I am so glad they did.”

Shepard chuckled and kissed Kaidan before adding his own words, “I love you too. And I like to think I would have learned to love you all over again. I already did of course, even back then. But it was a shadow of the love we have now.” They together recalled Shepard’s messages, which Kaidan had read a thousand times over.

“I know,” Kaidan smiled at his lover, still finding it hard to believe that, after all they had been through, he held Shepard — his Shepard — in his arms again. “I know.”

* * *

Shepard was released into Kaidan’s care, who decided to forgo returning to his ship and instead they returned to the solitary apartment Shepard rented for his rehabilitation. It was far from the grandeur of Anderson’s apartment, but it was enough for the two of them.

Their first night together and they got into an argument. Not really an argument so much as a spat and both knew who would win the moment it started. Shepard, arm mostly healed and horny as hell, wanted to wait before telling everyone he was back to normal. He wanted a night he could devote to Kaidan. Kaidan, though longing to have Shepard naked in bed again, also felt rather guilty that they hadn’t yet told anyone of Shepard’s miraculous recovery, let alone that they had a place for the time being. But of course, that guilt couldn’t surpass watching Shepard strip and shake his ass in Kaidan’s face. Not literally, but he might as well have:

“Well, fine. You decide. I’m going to bed.” Shepard said, pouting. He struggled his arm out of the sling and then out of his shirt, throwing both offending objects to the kitchen floor. Unintentionally, he pronounced his muscles and Kaidan remembered every dip of Shepard’s chest from their last time together. As if that wasn’t enough (and it was), Shepard turned around and shook his ass out of his sweatpants. Kaidan was practically drooling.

Standing up with his tented pants, Kaidan made his way over to his lover and rubbed his clothed cock against Shepard’s bare ass. “The things you do to me…” Kaidan whispered in Shepard’s ear.

Shepard grinned in response. “You gonna join me?” he asked before practically skipping away to the bedroom. Kaidan groaned, but followed, grabbing Shepard’s discarded clothing along the way.

Once in the bedroom, Shepard was kneeling on the bed, one hand stroking his cock. The other was behind him, but Kaidan couldn’t think of what it was doing or risk jizzing in his pants. “Strip for me.” Shepard commanded.

If Shepard wasn’t so possessive, he might comment that Kaidan could make it as a stripper. Instead, he enjoys the show as Kaidan sensually strips, having surprising grace. Already barefoot, he starts with his shirt, pulling it slowly over his head then sensually rubbing his hands down his chest, teasing a nipple for a moment. He reaches the button of his pants, but slides one hand further to grasp at his bulge over his pants. He lets out a soft moan that Shepard mirrors. Kaidan smirks at that, returning to his pants. They pop open and Kaidan takes his sweet time pushing them down and dancing out of them. Shepard thinks he might need to invest in a pole. With a better view, Shepard wants to climb over and nuzzle Kaidan’s cock through his underwear, but refrains. Kaidan teases a sneak peek at his cock before doing a little dance for Shepard, also giving him a nice view of his sweet ass. Kaidan wholeheartedly grabs at his cock and whispers, “This is for you,” then whips the underwear off in one swift motion. He’s teased Shepard enough.

Shepard had to still his hand soon after Kaidan started but now he wished he prepared himself more. He had forgotten how big Kaidan was, evidently, because he wondered how he took his dick last time. Now, as Kaidan walks towards him, Shepard only thinks of getting that cock inside him.

Kaidan pushes Shepard back against the bed and climbs over him. He kisses down Shepard’s neck, but decides they’ve both waited too long for foreplay. Shepard had gotten the lube out beforehand so Kaidan only took a moment to lube his fingers before pushing two fully into his lover. Shepard groaned out at the intrusion, but Kaidan kept his mouth latched onto his neck, intent on marking Shepard as his for all the world to see.

“Kaidan, please,” Shepard groaned out, his cock having softened slightly, he needed Kaidan now. But he didn’t have to say anything more as Kaidan pulled his fingers from Shepard’s ass.

Kaidan’s biotics thrummed around him, calling out Shepard’s own to meet him. As the two energies melded, Kaidan entered Shepard. “John,” was all Kaidan could mutter as the sweet, sweet pleasure of Shepard’s ass engulfed his cock. Shepard was mewling in contentedness, loving being filled by Kaidan. His cock was coming back to full hardness as Kaidan chanted his name. Kaidan began his thrusting and stroked Shepard’s cock to match his rhythm. Shepard clutched the sheets in one hand and Kaidan’s bicep in the other.

Their biotics were more than decoration, however, as Kaidan felt every time their hips met a shock of pleasure ran down his spine. He couldn’t fathom why this hadn’t happened earlier, but didn’t think much on it while Shepard cried out in pleasure with every thrust.

Finally, it all came to a climax as Kaidan thrust into John and shot his seed, growling into the Commander’s neck. Shepard, feeling the warmth of Kaidan’s release, combined with Kaidan stroking his dick became too much and he came all over his chest and Kaidan’s hand. Kaidan lapped at it as he pulled out of Shepard, while Shepard watched him in a lust filled haze.

Kaidan thought about cleaning up, knowing it would be a horrible mess in the morning, but Shepard wrapped his arms around his lover, anchoring him to the bed.

* * *

The morning greets the lovers with repetitive knocking and feminine shouts of “Lovebirds! Get up!” Kaidan groans, literally peeling himself from Shepard due to their stickiness. Shepard rolls over and pulls a pillow over his head while Kaidan slips on (Shepard’s) underwear.

At the door is one happy but simultaneously angry looking asari. “How could you not tell me he was cured?” She asks with no preamble. Barging her way past, she adds, “Where are you hiding him?” Kaidan thought to ask how she knew, but then remembered: Shadow Broker.

“Shepard, you might wanna get dressed!” Kaidan throws out in the direction of the bedroom.

There is a fumbling sound and Liara shouts out, “Shepard!” before bolting in that direction, Kaidan following with something akin to fear. Luckily, Shepard was more dressed than Kaidan with underwear and a shirt. Kaidan looked at his own chest and realized all the evidence he left out in the open. Luckily Liara already knew what was going on or she would have been a bit embarrassed.

“Oh, I’m so glad! You have to tell me everything that happened, my agents could only tell me so much. Something about your biotics? This is all so interesting! Also, we need to plan a house-warming party if you intend to live here. I mean it’s nice, but can’t you afford something a little… better? But only if you two are retiring, of course! I mean, maybe you want to visit everyone first, I don’t know…”

“Liara!” Shepard shouts. Liara is stunted out of her musings and she looks back at Shepard with tears in her eyes.

“It’s you. It’s you and that means it’s all finally over. Oh, Shepard,” she cooed and pulled Shepard into a hug. Kaidan finally put a shirt on and joined Shepard on the opposite side of Liara. Unfortunately this just prompted her, “and Kaidan too!” Pulling him into the hug. Then she gasped and pulled something from her pocket.

It was a pen and a pad of paper, which was all out shocking to all involved. At the looks she received, she explained, “Well, without Glyph, I’m having a hard time sorting my thoughts. I can hardly even keep my notes organized. But I haven’t found the time to rebuild him, yet, not like Jeff with EDI. Oh, there’s progress there.” Liara got off track again, but she caught herself. “Anyways I find this… archaic method soothing. But I’ll let you two lovebirds get back to it, so long as I leave you with some things to think about.” She smiles and rips the page out of her notes, setting it on Shepard’s stand, face down. She stood to leave without any sense of goodbye. Shepard realized everyone was afraid to say it after everything that happened.

  * New apartment?
  * Retirement?
  * Party
  * Visit everyone
  * Wedding!?!?



Shepard would laugh if he didn’t feel so nervous. Kaidan must have felt the same thing as he chuckled and added, “Maybe we should just go one by one?” Shepard must have caved a little because Kaidan added, “But, I mean, it’s still on the list…”


	8. Closure and Rest

Shepard ran with Kaidan’s hand firmly clenched in his own, practically dragging the Major along behind him. However, when John releases their clenched hands to run forward and embrace Kolyat, Kaidan feels a surge of jealousy and loss, though he knows the wrongness in that feeling. As Kaidan catches up, he hears John wishing Kolyat well. “I know you’ll do great things, Kolyat. Thane would be proud.” Kaidan thinks Kolyat is on the verge of tears, but he can’t say he knows drell well enough to be able to tell.

“It is enough knowing you think so highly of me, Shepard. And, for the record, I think my father would be just as proud of you.” At this, Kolyat gives a knowing glance at Kaidan, before slinging his pack over his shoulder. “We’ll see each other again, you know.”

Shepard smiles, but does not reply. Kaidan nods his goodbye. Kolyat boards the shuttle, and Shepard clasps his hand in Kaidan’s once more.

* * *

“This is absolutely stunning!” Liara shouted over the simulated gunfire, not to mention Shepard’s battle roars. Kaidan was a bit more reserved, but couldn’t deny the rush of adrenaline anymore than Shepard could with his shouting. Their biotics were more than just a light show, after all. They practically danced around each other like their abilities were synchronized, every warp and reave perfectly timed, every pull and throw perfectly aimed. Their (admittedly simulated) enemies didn’t stand a chance.

A buzzer sounded and the simulation ended. High on their adrenaline, Shepard pulled Kaidan into an electrifying kiss that was no less stunning than their battle. Liara, who had been looking over the simulation but not wanting to interfere, was practically bouncing in her excitement. “This opens up whole new areas for biotics. I’ve heard of similar occurrences but never seen such a connection!” She enthused.

“We’re not being offered up as test subjects, are we, Liara?” Kaidan asked softly.

Liara startled out of her musings, “Oh! Goddess, no, I didn’t mean to imply— That is, I am just amazed, is all. Furthermore, it gives me something to focus my attention. Without the Reapers as a threat and since meeting Javik, I find that I have little to occupy my time.” She got a bit of a forlorn look on her face, but it quickly vanished.

Shepard nodded. “I understand, Liara. I’ve — we’ve — thought a lot about retirement, like you suggested. But it’s so difficult to go from the high point of taking down Reapers to the low life of… hell, I don’t know, farming?”

Kaidan chuckled. “I don’t think I could see you farming,” Kaidan aded, then a passionate look passed over his eyes, “Though I wouldn’t mind seeing you sweat,” he whispered into Shepard’s ear.

Shepard smiled and shrugged off Kaidan’s innuendos. “We’ve both received offers from the Alliance and the Council, but we’re just weighing our options right now. More than anything, we want to help rebuild Earth. And we don’t want to get separated again.” Liara noticed then that they held each other’s hands. In fact, almost every time she had seen them since Shepard’s “awakening,” they had been clutching each other’s hands.

“I understand that,” she replied, “I’ve put a lot of effort into contacting Thessia, but so far haven’t had any luck. I’ve also done what I can to help with the Relays, but it’s definitely not my area of expertise.” Liara sighs in what can only be seen as regret.

Kaidan and Shepard had removed the facility’s armor and were in their civilian clothes again. Liara continued as they left the training facility, “And besides, Earth is a wonderful planet. The Sol system may be a little overcrowded right now, but there’s work to be done just about everywhere you look.”

“That’s not exactly the problem,” Kaidan added, “it’s a matter of whether we can be more helpful settling trivial pursuits like the tensions between krogan and turians, or if we’re better suited to rebuilding Earth.” Shepard nodded, but didn’t speak. Kaidan continued, “But we’ve done so much for the universe — Shepard, mostly — that we want to know when we can just take a moment to breathe.”

“And maybe that moment is now,” Shepard thought out loud. He was looking out at Earth as the various ships flew throughout the skyway. “But I keep wondering if it’s worth it to settle in. I feel like every time I get a call or a message it’s going to be another catastrophe they need me for.”

Kaidan placed a hand on Shepard’s shoulder but it was Liara that spoke, leaning over the railing to meet Shepard’s eyes. “You do deserve rest Shepard. And there is no catastrophe left in the universe that can pull you away from that. You and Kaidan.” She smiled and pulled out her notepad. She flipped through a few pages before she let out an ‘aha!’ and asked, “How do you feel about beachfront property?”

* * *

Kaidan holds Shepard in his arms as they rest on their balcony. Shepard is sleeping, his head lolling onto Kaidan’s chest, while the Major stares up into the sky. It is a peaceful night, perhaps the first since they moved out to the coast. It was a miracle the property was still available — or that there even was beachfront property in the first place. But somewhere along the way karma must have kicked in for Kaidan and Shepard, because they put their bid in and in no time they were moving in.

Liara still insisted upon a housewarming party, so all of their friends (and friends of friends and strangers up and down the coast, it seemed) came to the party. It got out of hand before it started and lasted hours longer than it should have, but by the end they all felt that much more relaxed. They could forget about the state the world was in; the mess the Reapers left behind; the loved ones lost and yet to be found.

For Kaidan, all this meant was time to celebrate Shepard. Sure, they had their moments in between the revelation and the housewarming, but he felt like that party, dancing like idiots in front of their friends, that was what made Shepard’s return official and real. He knew he didn’t need confirmation, and Shepard definitely didn’t, but it wasn’t until the music went quiet and the whole room chanted, “three cheers for Shepard!” that he really felt like everything was right again.

Of course, that didn’t mean it was all good. The house took a whole day to clean up (plus another to account for damages) and Kaidan couldn’t count the number of people sick. But it was a celebration, he reminded himself, enjoy it while it lasts.

And that was the kicker. With their future still up in the air, Kaidan had adopted Shepard’s lingering fears. Every call or message was opened with dread. Every smile was shadowed with fear. They would try to cast their fears aside and focus on all the good in the world, but that was easier said than done.

The party ended on a happy note, at least. For some, more than others: a Relay connection had been established. An Asari cruiser would be making the journey to Thessia the next day, and would finalize the connection from that side. Though many of the party-goers had no connection to Thessia, they took this news as a sign: someday soon, they might return home. For Kaidan, this hit him in a way he didn’t realize: he had found his home. Not in the beach house, which was no more than a location, but in Shepard. Throughout all those years flying through space, fighting off evil, saving the galaxy; there was one thing keeping him grounded. And now that he was grounded, he knew he could never leave Shepard’s side.

Shepard stirred and rubbed his nose on Kaidan’s chest before raising his dreary eyes to meet Kaidan’s. “Hey, lover boy,” Shepard joked. But Kaidan, with a certain seriousness in his eyes, didn’t smile. Not that he was unhappy, but what he intended to ask didn’t need an idiotic smile.

“Marry me.” Kaidan commanded. “Wait,” he said, shaking his head a bit. While not moving to a more formal position, he did take Shepard’s hand in both of his and kept eye contact. He asked, “John Doe Shepard, will you marry me?”

Shepard was about to make a joke, something about how Liara already planned this, but was struck by the sincerity in Kaidan’s eyes. He needed Shepard to answer. Needed to hear the words, even if he already knew what Shepard was going to say. “Yes. Yes, a thousand times over, yes.” A smile broke over Kaidan’s face and he brought their lips together. There was a passion there that hadn’t been before, though both knew there was no real change. As they separate, Shepard whispers again, “I love you, Kaidan.”

“I love you too, John.”

* * *

“Commander Shepard. Major Alenko. We can assign you both to the restoration of the Residential District. The Council, or its representatives, were hoping you would offer for help elsewhere in the community, but respect your decision.” The Alliance representative was not Admiral Hackett. Hackett was still commanding the Alliance fleet, though now instead of war efforts he commanded the civilian ships and restoration efforts. He was not happy about it.

Returning to the Alliance headquarters brought back harmful memories for Shepard. But Kaidan was there to help him. In all of his pain, it was hard to remember that Kaidan lost many good people too. He replied to the representative, “We both thank you.” He thought to comment about returning to the skies later, but passed on it. He didn’t need to defend their decision to the representative.

The representative excused themselves and Shepard and Kaidan left the headquarters. Or they would have if an angry Joker didn’t come stumbling at them, “What do you mean you’re not flying with me!?”

“Oh, Joker.” Shepard said, dumbly.

Kaidan whispered to Shepard, “Caught, red-handed.”

Joker heard, and didn’t find it amusing, glaring at Kaidan. But he didn’t say anything, just crossing his arms and tapping his foot. Shepard explained, “I’m sorry, Joker. I want to return to the Normandy… someday. But my place is here now. I need to rest, to rebuild. I was hoping you would understand.” Shepard reached beside him and clasped his hand in Kaidan’s, unintentionally gripping it tightly.

Suddenly, a smile broke across Joker’s face. “Of course I do, you bastard!” He reached an arm out and around Shepard’s shoulders, then his other around Kaidan’s. Then he backed away, exclaiming, “Ow, ow! Bad idea.” He rolled one of his shoulders while Kaidan grinned at him. Shepard was… less amused. “Sorry, I just wanted to give you shit,” Joker explained, “But seriously, I’m happy for you. Besides, it just wouldn’t be right having you on deck without running high-risk missions. No offense.” Joker looked almost nervous now. Shepard still looked pissed, having just raised an eyebrow at Joker’s explanation.

“Okay, fine. I’m a little upset you’re not coming back. But it’s fine. The Normandy is all patched up and EDI is getting better. She’s even worked a little with Liara to better understand how she — and even the geth in the system — survived the wave that killed the Reapers. She said it has something to do with synthetics becoming ‘more human’ whatever that means.” Joker took a breath. “It’s hard, still, but we’re getting past it. Anyways, I’m gonna miss you, and I’ll visit you every single time we dock.”

Shepard finally smiled, softly. “I’m happy for you, Joker. You need this.” He hugged Joker hard enough to show his friendship without causing injury. Joker still joked about choking.

“And you better fucking invite me to the wedding,” Joker glared, this time at Kaidan. There was an unspoken meaning behind the look and it clicked in Shepard’s head.

“You didn’t… Oh shit…” Shepard hid his head in his hands and Joker chuckled at the dramatic action. “I’m never going to live it down.” At Kaidan’s confused, innocent expression, Shepard socked Kaidan in the arm and whispered, “Those data pads were private…”

* * *

“Don’t most people abstain until their honeymoon?” Kaidan asks while Shepard divulges them of their clothing. Their biotics flare, making the room glow in a soft blue. It would be more trouble to turn off their biotics than to use them during sex. Kaidan didn’t fully understand it, but it was like their connection needed to be used.

Shepard chuckled softly as he brings their lips together, “I don’t think I could abstain from you, Kaidan.” Then he pulls away all at once. “But if you want to keep this platonic until the wedding…”

Kaidan growls and pulls John back to him biotically. “I need your cock, John.”

John’s eyes glaze over and he whispers softly into Kaidan’s mouth, their lips barely brushing, “Beg.”

Kaidan whines, “Please fuck me, John.”

A wolfish grin takes Shepard’s face and his biotics flare as he gently throws Kaidan down onto their bed. The Commander climbs over his naked lover and together they groan as their cocks line up. Kaidan rolls his hips upward and the two moan in pleasure. “Are you trying to end things early?” Shepard asks harshly.

Kaidan smiles sheepishly, “Sorry, John. You just rile me up so easily.” With this, Kaidan hooks his arms around John’s neck and rolls them.

“Hey now, I thought I was topping tonight?”

Kaidan laughs as he climbs over Shepard, “No reason you can’t top from the bottom.” His sly grin makes Shepard groan in anticipation. “You just sit back, relax, and let your fiancee take care of you.”

“Fiancee, huh?” John asks lowly.

Kaidan leans down and brings their lips together, “Yup.”

Shepard jokingly places his hands behind his head and leans back. “Sounds nice,” he murmurs. Kaidan chuckles and twists one of Shepard’s nipples. As Shepard begins to shout out, Kaidan captures his lips in a kiss, this more fierce and animalistic than the last.

Kaidan, having already prepared himself, reaches behind him to grasp John’s cock and press it to his hole. As he pulls away from John’s wonderful lips, he pulls himself down onto John, groaning at familiar pressure. John grasps Kaidan’s forearms, matching groans with moans of pleasure, but allowing the younger man to control their pace.

“Fuck, John, I’ve missed you,” Kaidan cries out and clenches his eyes shut as he is soon flush with John’s pelvis, his ass full of John’s cock.

Shepard replies softly, “I’ve missed you too, Kaidan.” Kaidan opens his eyes slowly to see John grinning wolfishly. With little warning, John rolls them both so that he leans over Kaidan, though he does not yet move. “But you’re going to have to beg.”

Kaidan genuinely moans this time, rolling his hips in hope for friction, but finding none he gives in. “Please fuck me, John.”

“I’m going to need more than that…”

“For fuck’s sake, John, fuck me hard and fast. Commander!” At this, John eases out of Kaidan and slams back in, though his pace is slow and his thrusts aren’t as powerful as Kaidan knows them to be. “Dammit, as your Major I order you to fuck me!”

With a resplendent chuckle, John follows the Major’s orders with a harsh and quick thrust. Kaidan soon lost any notion of order, giving in to mewls of pleasure.

Shepard slows his brutal pace and takes Kaidan into his hand to bring them both to completion. They come together, John into Kaidan and Kaidan over John’s hand. Before pulling out, John leans over and kisses Kaidan.


	9. Epilogue: Full Circle

22-04-2197

Dearest John Shepard, love of my life, I hope you never have to read this.

Ten years ago, all my hopes and dreams came true when you married me. We had our troubles, but they pale in comparison to all the joy I have felt since that day. I have loved you for more than just ten years, but I’m learning more with each day that time doesn’t matter as much as any of us thinks it does. If you had truly lost your memory back then, I would not have loved you any less, even with all that time missing.

Now, as my memory fades, I hope that you can love me, just as much as I did for you then. I have always known the risks of the L2 implant, and one of those risks is early-onset Alzheimers. Over the next few years, who I am as a person will fade, along with my memories, and the rest of my mind. I don’t know how much more I can ask of you, John, but if you ever read this, and I am in no position to———

* * *

“No!”

“John, please.”

“No, you don’t get to ask me that. I’ll… I can fix this. I fixed the fucking universe!”

“You can’t just put a bandage on my mind, John. It won’t work that way.”

“Kaidan, I love you. I’ll always love you. You can’t just give up because you might lose your mind.”

Kaidan sighed. “I’m already losing it, John. I can’t remember things. Small things, now, but it’s going to get worse.”

John, teary eyed, resumed his seat on their bed. Kaidan remained standing. “I’m not asking you to do anything, not yet. But if it ever—“

“No! You saved me when I knew nothing. I won’t let you come to that.”

“But that’s all I’m asking for John, is for you to save me.”

“It’s not the same, Kaidan! You know that!”

Kaidan is quiet. He remembers all too well how difficult it was to see John die — twice — and do nothing. He can’t imagine what a strain it would have been if John had asked him to be the one to kill him.

“No. I have an idea. I’m not making any promises, but before we talk any more about this I want to try something, alright?” John asks, breathing heavily. Kaidan nods solemnly, having had plenty ideas already, but humoring John. “Okay then. I need to make some phone calls. I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”

* * *

John had cooped himself up in his office for the rest of the day. Kaidan moseyed around the house and tried not to flinch every time he heard something thrown against a wall. But nevertheless, as the clock approached midnight, John called Kaidan up to their bedroom.

Dressed only in pajama pants, Shepard had surrounded the room in candles and roses, but John did not lead Kaidan to the bed, instead to the adjacent bathroom, where the tub was filled. John stripped Kaidan to nothingness and removed his own pajama bottoms. He lowered them both into the massive tub and the two sighed in contentment.

“Is your plan to woo me, John? Because it is totally working,” Kaidan joked.

With John behind Kaidan, rubbing the younger man’s shoulders, Kaidan could not see as John worried his lip between his teeth. Quickly, he replied, “Not quite. Don’t get angry, Kaidan. I need you to flare your biotics. Do that, and just trust me.”

Kaidan could hear the evident fear and worry in Shepard’s voice, but they had both played this game with their lives before. “Alright, John.”

In a magnificent moment, the familiar purple-blue light surrounded Kaidan, drawing out Shepard’s own biotics. Shepard wrapped his arms around Kaidan’s waist now, and in a quick movement, he dragged his lover underneath the water. Kaidan, surprised, thrashed for a moment. But Shepard’s grip was reliable and strong, and Kaidan did not break it.

A voice resounds in Kaidan’s mind, but he cannot make sense of it.

He’s aware his nose is bleeding.

Everything goes black.

* * *

When Kaidan comes to, he hears Shepard talking, but no voice answers him. He is dry now, but not dressed. The candles are still lit and the roses are still red. He has not lost time, just a moment. From his view on the bed, Kaidan can see Shepard pacing in the bathroom.

“But it worked?” A pause. “Is there any way for me to know?” Again. “It’s always time.” And again. “Do I thank you?” Then nothingness.

When Shepard emerges from the bathroom there is no phone or any other means of communication in his possession. “Hey, babe,” he murmurs. Kaidan is groggy. “I don’t know if it worked, not yet, but they say it did. I don’t trust them, but I doubt they’re humoring me, us, you.”

Kaidan sits up, but then leans heavily into Shepard. Voice gravelly, he speaks, “John. I don’t… understand?”

John is still, apparently fearing animosity from Kaidan. Kaidan had hoped they had gotten passed that. “It was Leviathan. Or rather, the Leviathans. I can’t explain it, and they wouldn’t, but from what I understand they flooded your mind and healed or regrew the dying neurons. It’s why you instantly blacked out.”

“Why did you drown me?”

“It, er, wasn’t intentional. The unaware mind is most vulnerable, and I can contact them best beneath water, even as simple as bath water.” John is clearly apologetic as he adds, “I’m sorry for the deception. I wanted to trust it would work and wasn’t sure how you would take it. You said I could try anything and you have come out of it unharmed.”

As John nearly spins into a defensive spiral, Kaidan brings a hand up to John’s cheek and brings their mouths together. “I love you, John, and I trust you. Now, let’s just rest.”

“I love you too, Kaidan,” John whispers. He pulls his lover the rest of the way up the bed and into his lap and the two manage to find blissful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! There's a lot I could say here but I'm just going to say this story was written partially for personal reasons but above all else because I love these two so much it hurts!


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